Release time: 2026-02-04 13:32
NARCISSISM
You Better Watch Out if You Snub a Narcissist
If you ignore a narcissist, get ready for the consequences.
KEY POINTS
People high in narcissism are known to be highly sensitive to rejection.
The passive-aggression that can follow from rejection of a narcissist can be hurtful and damaging.
Confronting the narcissist with the impact of their behavior directly can help promote better relationships.
Generally speaking, no one likes to be snubbed. Marsha felt angry and confused when she learned that two of her friends left her out of their latest round of text messages. It turns out to have been a complete oversight, and her friends apologized profusely. Afterward, Marsha forgave them and went on with her life.
Now imagine a different scenario. Rather than the good-natured Marsha, it’s Lisa who’s been left out. Lisa, high on the personality quality of narcissism, becomes enraged. Rather than express her anger, though, she takes the passive-aggressive route. Sending out a text to the friend of one of the friends, she lets “slip” some news that she knows would humiliate one of the two original culprits.
Ostracism and the Narcissist
As stated at the outset, no one likes to be snubbed. However, for a narcissist, even an inadvertent form of this behavior can become the basis for all-out retribution. As satisfying as this can be for the person high in narcissism, the passive-aggressive route can be even more gratifying. Lisa could have screamed and shouted at the duo who ignored her, but by taking the indirect approach, she can presumably take more pleasure in watching the fallout of her “slip.”
According to a new study by Coventry University’s Daniel Waldeck and colleagues (2025), people high on the personality trait of narcissism may tend to behave aggressively even when no one provokes them. However, when they are poked and prodded, the odds of an aggressive response rise astronomically. When the provocation takes the form of ostracism, whether real or imagined, the fireworks will really fly.
The basis for their aggressive response, according to the “threatened egotism model,” is the weak and fragile self-esteem that underlies the narcissist’s sensitivity to any kind of criticism. Marsha is secure in her sense of self, so she doesn’t worry that someone left her out of a text. Lisa is not, and this little faux pas of her friends feels like a cut to the core of her very being.
From Active to Passive Aggression
Responding to a real or imagined threat to one’s ego by lashing out is not usually considered the most socially acceptable way of expressing outrage, as the Coventry U. research team points out. Passive, or indirect, aggression can’t be as easily called out when it happens, and so the perpetrator is less likely to be blamed. It’s an especially appealing route for the vulnerable narcissist in what the authors call “sulky” passive-aggressive behavior.
Using an online sample of 219 adults (average age 26 years), Waldeck et al. used scores on perceived ostracism over the past 6 months (“others ignored you”) and standard measures of narcissism and attachment security to predict endorsement of passive-aggressive scale items. For narcissism, the authors distinguished grandiose (“If I became a leader, I would be the best”) from vulnerable (“When others don’t notice me, I start to feel worthless”). The passive-aggressive scale included three types of behavior, shown here:
Criticism: I intentionally reveal embarrassing events or the dark pasts of someone I dislike or find uncomfortable in public.
Ostracizing others: I give someone I dislike or find uncomfortable the silent treatment.
Sabotaging others: I pretend to help someone I dislike or find uncomfortable but sabotage their work behind their back.
The findings supported the threatened egotism model by showing that people high in narcissism, especially the grandiose variety, were most likely to use the passive-aggressive behavior of criticizing the ostracizer. Much like Lisa, these individuals expressed their preference to cover their feelings of outrage at being ignored through this indirect form of attack.
It wasn’t clear to the authors why vulnerable narcissism scores weren’t related to passive aggressiveness, but one suggestion is that a grandiose narcissist has a very low threshold for perceiving ostracism. For the vulnerable narcissist, it may take direct provocation, such as being told “I don’t like you,” to trigger the aggressive response.
Watch Your Back, But Also Your Front
Clearly, rejecting a person high in narcissism, even accidentally, is a behavior that can truly turn around to harm you. Any trusted secrets you’ve shared are now considered fair game.
As the authors note, as tough as it may be, it’s important to protect the narcissist’s (especially grandiose) self-esteem. If you think of this as becoming a sycophant, however, this would probably not sit well with you. Instead, if the person is someone you care about, the other strategy to consider is helping the person act in more socially acceptable ways so that the ostracism is less likely to occur in the first place. Should the passive-aggressiveness already have happened (and that embarrassing fact about you is revealed to the world), the Coventry U. study suggests that you approach the problem head-on. If it’s a Lisa you’re dealing with, let her know how much her behavior hurt you. Help her, if this is something you’d want to do, figure out more socially acceptable ways to cope when she’s feeling rejected by others.
To sum up, whether passive or active, perceptions of ostracism in people whose need for acceptance is unusually high can make life difficult for everyone. Turning this around may take effort, but it will be worth the results if you can establish more harmonious relationships, even with those who can make that a challenge.
Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D., is a Professor Emerita of Psychological and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. Her latest book is The Search for Fulfillment.
Psychology Today